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Saturday, February 28, 2004

SICK FEST

This evening I stumbled upon a recipe for the sickest tasting drink in the history of man. And It was surprisingly easy.
Pour one shot of Vanilla Skyy vodka over ice and top off with diet tonic. Add a twist of lime and voila...cough medicine.
I wouldn't wish this drink on my worst enemy. Yes, I would. But it would have to be an unsuspecting enemy. One that would graciously accept the drink. Possibly out of some attempt to make amends. And he or she would have to grin through every nasty sip of it. Maybe I could invite the neighbor over for one. Oh I forgot to mention, she purchased some 'antique' dresser today with the knowledge she had no way of transporting it home. We had to climb over all the drawers she was lugging up the stairs.
"I left the rest at the shop. I guess I will have to totally beg Thomas to pick it up in his truck", she explained. We don't remember asking.
Thomas is the downstairs neighbor and coincidently the posterchild for unfriendly. After determining that we were going to say hello more often than not, he's decided to duck inside his apartment whenever he spots us instead of finishing his cigarette. He'd rather not smoke than say hello to us. Not smoke. That takes real commitment. And this neighbor thinks he will willingly pick up this dresser for her.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

I love passing through small towns and stopping to eat. My dad and I recently made a trip to Austin and stopped in La Grange. It was around breakfast time and we were damn hungry. Man, there is nothing, I mean, noth-ing in that town. We were so hungry and couldn't find a decent restaurant. Moments before giving up my dad spotted a sign that read, The Riverside Cafe. It didn't look like much, but we figured they wouldn't fuck up eggs, bacon, and coffee. And they didn't. Everything smelled and tasted great. The atmosphere had everything I loved right down to the country kitsch on the walls. The table numbers were taped to the wood paneling. Even in a small town with nothing going on, the waitress refused to spend more than a minute or two listening to my dad ramble. In the ladies room opposite the toilet was a xeroxed copy of bible quotes on the virtues of patience and next to that a piece of paper indicating the differences between cold and the flu symptoms. Very helpful. Placed thoughtfully next to the mirror were three yellow-ish stick-ups. (I wasn't aware these were still being made. At least in that color.) The best part was the window. There was a window in the bathroom. Very convenient for anyone looking to skip out on the bill. Except there were a bunch of what-nots on the window sill obscuring the view of outside. One might have ended up standing in a pig's trough, but it would be worth it to save fifteen dollars of your hard-earned money. Upon leaving we waved, "Goodbye Riverside Cafe! Goodbye fifteen year old stick-ups! Goodbye anti-social waitress! Goodbye world's greatest bacon and coffee! Goodbye smoking section in the front and non-smoking in the back! Goodbye!"

Monday, February 23, 2004

The Neighbor -- Part II

I believe it was Saturday when I opened the back door to throw a moldy tulip over the balcony and found her sitting there with her cat. She sat reading on her side of the balcony, we share a balcony, and I stood there with unshaven legs and no make-up holding the moldy tulip from Valentine's day.
She looked up from her book and smiled and introduced me to her cat who was sitting on our mat on our side of the balcony. She asked if we minded them being there and I explained that I needed to throw the moldy tulip over the edge, so I did, and then I told her she was fine there, even though her cat was sitting on our mat, but that's okay because anyone who wants to spend a sunny afternoon reading a book is certainly more than welcome. So I started back inside, but not before she gestured toward a door mat folded in two and leaning against the building next to our door with a clearly newer mat in front of it, on which her cat was still seated. She asked if it would be okay if she placed it in front of her door which was either really cool and laid back of her to ask, or really weird.
My girlfriend quickly pointed out that it was inappropriate and she was "certainly off, that one."
This is the same neighbor who yelled at us for hogging all of the first come parking in back. She must have felt so terrible for scolding us that she decided to offer taking the discarded mat off our hands. Have I mentioned she is in her thirties and has a full head of gray hair? I would say that she has been punished in advance for every idiotic thing she does until she's forty.

Monday, February 16, 2004


Saturday, February 14
Visited gallery showcasing local artist's work. Walked next door to Arts and Crafts Museum featuring actual arts and crafts. (Shame on the Pasadena Convention Center.) Lunch at Cuban restaurant. Coffee at gay coffee shop/bookstore. Returned home to exchange gifts. Massage coupon redeemed. Candles, incense, vodka, orgasm.

Sunday, February 15
Watched First Blood (Rambo I) in its entirety. Nearly sliced off tip of finger with Xacto knife. Blood, scream, panic, band-aid, boo boo, kiss.

Friday, February 13, 2004

me: This weather is perfect.
you: It's ugly outside. Cold and wet...just sloppy.
me: Perfect for not feeling guilty for sitting in front of my computer and doing nothing useful. Now if only I could warm up. I'm freezing my balls off.
you: You don't have balls.
me: You don't know what I have. I might. When is the last time you checked?
you: You don't.
me: I may have something down there resembling balls.
you: You don't. Turn the heat up if you're cold.
me: I can't. I momentarily
contribute nothing monetary
to this lovely dwelling
so light and airy.
you: What the hell was that; a poem?
me: A really crappy attempt at something.
you: Look at you...you're a piece of shit today. Again.
me: I know. I fucked up my diet again. I started feeling better and gorged myself last night. I ate everything I could get my hands on.
you: Why do you do that? You have allergies. You can't eat just whatever. You always pay the next day.
me: I know, I know. I have no self-control. When I'm feeling awful it's so easy to be strict. But as soon as I'm feeling better...
you: You can't keep waiting until you are so hungry you're ready to eat off your own arm, and then stuff yourself with ready-made things. You have to think ahead and make something healthy. God, you're an idiot.
me: Alright. Shut up already. (sigh) It's like I keep making these deals with God, where I promise that if I would just feel better I would do something productive. And then I feel better one day and do nothing. Just squander the day away. And then He goes, O.K. deal's off kid...


Tuesday, February 10, 2004

We have ants. We've had them for weeks now. I don't know where they're coming from. I found them devouring a box of powdered sugar a week ago and threw it out. Problem solved.
I was wrong. Today I realized they've been using the coffee maker as a drinking fountain. Crawling around in the reservoir where the water is poured.
They're very small ants. They look kind of like stray coffee grounds that have escaped the filter. Floating around in my cup.
How long have I been drinking ants?

Monday, February 09, 2004

You: Where have you been? What have you been doing?
Me: Playing Glinx.
You: All this time?
Me: It's very addicting.
You: I didn't know you liked video games.
Me: I didn't either. It's a puzzle/strategy game.
You: Is that all?
Me: No, I've also played Bounce Out, Nisqually, and Candy Cruncher. Equally addicting.
You: I mean what else have you done lately?
Me: I went to night court.
You: How did that go?
Me: Something like this.

Judge: "You had one-hundred and eighty days to take defensive driving and you waited until the one-hundred and seventy-ninth day to take it?"

Me: (nothing)

You: Anything else?
Me: I played Glin--no, nothing really. Well, nothing I'll mention to you; not here. But something interesting did happen.
You: You're no fun.
Me: I know.
You: I'll get you drunk then.
Me: That never works.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Look at this face. What do you see?
Look at it. What do you see?
Nothing. You can't see me. But there's something wrong with it. There has to be, the way people react to me. Almost never friendly. Unless I'm all smiles. Like a big grinning jackass. I don't know why. Is it my facial expressions? My voice? Am I so attractive that people are unfriendly to me? No. Am I so un attractive that people are unfriendly to me? No, again.
They say people can sense negative energy. God, are people really that sensitive? Am I really that negative? Who has the energy for all that smiling, anyway? Shit.
More later...(I guess) In other news, I've given into the "Smileys" craze. I downloaded...Are you ready for this?...7,000 of them. Who's the negative one now? Smileys, I downloaded.
I'm going to bathe with my newly purchased therapeutic bath now. Maybe it will wash away some of that negative energy along with the chemicals and pollutants. Yep, down the drain. Tomorrow I will be a new person.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Are you reading these backward? These are not going to make sense unless you start from the bottom...

I am god.*


*some shmuck who figured out how to take a screen shot.

Wait, "God bless America" is what I meant to say.

What the...?
Everyone needs to take a look at this before it is gone forever.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Super bowl XXXVIII, Mini-journal, last entry (probably)

Finding a super bowl mug proved more of a headache than expected. I foolishly assumed we could stop by anywhere to find one. One Walgreens, an Eckerd, a Randall’s, and two Kroger’s later one finally turned up. Six dollars and ninety-nine cents. A measly three remained on the display shelf. The girl at the check-out let it hang loosely from her forefinger while announcing my total. I pictured it crashing to the floor. The grocery store was stuffed full of fans securing a surplus of chips and beer. We gave in to the buzz of excitement and bought baby carrots, hamburger meat, and fudge brownie mix. We would have plenty to eat while flipping by the game. Stopping to check the score and view the wacky commercials every so often. On the drive home from the grocery store I secretly wished we liked football. That we loved football and had tons of football-loving friends and cases of cold beer to enjoy it with; a feeling which last only minutes. Ironically, the neighbor across the street has all of this. In fact, a large assortment of his friends is assembling in his garage right now. I stepped out onto our balcony to sneer at them, commenting loudly on their taste in beer. I briefly poked my head inside for a taste of freshly made brownies. After burning the roof of my mouth I returned to my bird’s eye view. The garage door is now shut. I guess they didn’t appreciate my heckling. These are wealthy grown men for crying out…oh wait, it’s open again. I wonder if they actually thought shutting it for five minutes would work. No matter. I’ve just been informed that I’m not allowed outside for the remainder of the evening.

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