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Tuesday, March 30, 2004

FACT: When you are lying in bed and you hear a creepy noise and your lover is sleeping next to you, you are still alone. You are not comforted by the warmth of her body nor the snoring from her nose. You are alone.

Something is living in the wall. A varmint of some sort. Naturally, I have convinced myself it is something cute and harmless, like a squirrel.
Once or twice a week I hear it fidgeting in the ceiling above my head. He's just tucking himself in for the night, I assume. And I think to myself, "Oh, squirrel. Quiet down up there. Me and the girl are trying to sleep. Don't rustle around too long, squirrel."

Until last night, two things happened. 1) I was the only one who heard the fidgeting and 2) it usually lasted no more than a minute or two.
But last night we both heard it, and it continued for an hour or more before I took a shoe to the ceiling. For the first time, it occurred to me that it may not necessarily be a squirrel.
The possibility became apparent immediately after teasing my g.f. by saying something like, "Boy, that sure is a big rat up there." But ended up scaring myself in the process.
Ohmygod! Maybe it IS a big rat up there! Ewwww.....and what if it dies? It won't go off to die like a horse or anything. And then the whole apartment will smell for weeks. I know this from my stint working at a hardware store. People came in all the time wanting to drive out the putrid smell of a rodent who'd expired in the wall or ceiling. This usually only happens when the weather is either extremely cold or extremely hot and shelter is needed. Presently it is neither extremely hot or cold which means....Jesus, what if he's tidying up for his offspring!
I think I'm going to be ill. What am I going to do? We can't call maintenance. They'll scatter some rat-bait around which it will eat and return home and DIE.
Apparently I will have to take matters into my own hands...

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