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Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I've Got a Computer Chip on my Lap.

I received my laptop in the mail. Okay, so I went to the Post Office to pick it up...same thing.

Once at home I freed it from its foam peanuty tomb. It was bundled in a plastic bag tied to another plastic bag containing the power cord etc.
The smell nearly knocked me over. "This guy is a smoker." *Sniff* Not cigarettes...cigars. No-*Sniff*-a pipe." Whatever it is, he smokes the shit out of it and this entire package reeks. Although I do remember thinking how I viewed pipe-smoking as more distinguished than cigarette smoking and decided he took better care of my newly purchased item.
After unwrapping it I realized how heavy it was, something I didn't notice when loading the box into my car. "Man, this thing is heavy." I walked over to my g.f.'s laptop and picked it up. Then I walked back to my computer and picked it up again. "Man, this thing is really heavy."
It is an older computer. Really old. Circa 1996.
Next, I opened it and began searching for the "on" button. Since I've only used one other lap top I naturally searched for a similar shiny silver button in the upper-right corner. Not there. I began depressing anything that resembled the power and finally found it. I pushed it and waited with my breath held. "Is this son-of-a-bitch gonna boot?"
I realized I couldn't expect much considering how much I actually paid for it. But then it began to boot and after a minute Windows 95 glowed proudly. "The son-of-a-bitch works!" Now all I need to do is check the battery to see if it holds a charge, and I'll be in business!
Now where is the battery?...
I searched through the bag of accessories but all I found was a big--"Oh shit. This is the battery. Jesus, it's heavy."
I slid it in the gaping hole in the front left corner of the machine. This added even more weight to the bulky machine. "Dammit! How the hell am I supposed to take this thing anywhere! It weighs more than me, which isn't much, but still!"
An orange light suggested it was charging. "Oh, please let it hold a charge. And stay on more than ten minutes at a time. Thirty. I'll take thirty minutes,even."
After running an errand I returned home to test it. I tugged the power cord and held my breath...again. The orange light turned green. It was holding a charge. In fact, it remained charged for two whole hours. Not bad.
I spent the remainder of the evening locating and then installing software for it. I managed to install versions of Photoshop 5 and WordPerfect 10. Seeing such a sharp-looking program on such a dinosaur is both ironic and pleasing.
The final step was testing the floppy drive and choosing the perfect sticker for the cover. One that says, "This isn't the latest and greatest, it's just straight up old school, yo." My girlfriend was nice enough to supply me with a really nice Obey one.

So if you see that sticker slapped onto a pathetically archaic-looking laptop computer somewhere, that's me. And be assured, it works and wonderful things will be written on it.

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