Friday, June 04, 2004

One can gulp down a glass of gin and tonic with no ice, surprisingly quickly.
Okay, so I don't have any ice, gin or tonic. I'm drinking vanilla Stoli and Crystal lite.
Hey, when you have no money you drink what you can scrounge up around the house. There is actually some diet Coke (yuk) here, but if you
don't drink enough booze to make you pass out cold, the caffeine will kick in around two or three o'clock, keeping you awake the
rest of the night.
So onto yesterday's events...

I hate Sam’s Club. My Mom and I went there today. I must have been twelve the last time I went. I forgot how ridiculous the quantities are on everything. They should make people prove they are either a business owner or the head of a family of ten to acquire a card there. Everyone else should be allowed to buy toilet paper only since that is the only thing they will realistically finish.
Since my mom walks fairly slow I let her walk ahead and shop around while I broke into one of the computers on display. It was pretty easy. The password prompt was ‘watch’ so I typed in Timex. Bingo. Since I don’t know how to wreak any real havoc on a computer I just created a few folders on the desktop with questionable titles and a document informing anyone who opened it that they were a dip wad and would never be able to afford the laptop they were using. Maybe I should have wiped out all of the programs or something. Or at least made the desk top read: Sam’s Club sucks! or Psst! There’s a blue light special on the big ass cans aisle! Like I said, I don’t know how to wreak any real havoc.
When I caught up with my mother she sent me to find a box of Sweet and Low. I considered just wandering around pretending to look for it instead of actually locating it and then informing her that she was in no need of 1,500 packets of sugar substitute. But I looked anyway. That’s when I ran across the biggest can of tuna I have ever seen in my entire life. There is just no practical reason to make a can this huge. Its price was five dollars. I was so awestruck by its size that I forgot to check how many ounces it was. My guess is that it was the equivalent of four regular cans of tuna.
We left with a 60 oz. jar of mayonnaise, a 4.5 pound container of coleslaw (the same shape and size as the shaft of a top hat), an 18 pack of glue sticks, a crate of strawberries weighing 32 oz., and lots and lots of computer paper. Regular printer paper for printing out stuff you are too lazy to read in one sitting, white cardstock, and two different sizes of photo paper.
The best part of the Sam’s Club experience is the box-your-own-groceries at the end.

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