Monday, September 27, 2004

Question: How many wine coolers does it take to get drunk?

I wouldn’t know. I couldn’t stomach enough of them to get me passed a slight buzz.

Despite knowing what a stupid idea and waste of money it was, I decided midway through the movie Orange County, that we should make a wine cooler run.(?!)

I’m not sure what came over me. My only memories of wine coolers involved puking them; not drinking them. They were nothing more than a sugary disgusting mess back then, so what made me think they would be any different now?

I think while sitting there on the sofa, my thought-process went something like…”I could use a drink right now and the chances of us going out to buy a bottle of vodka are less than five percent. And the chances of spending at least fifteen or twenty bucks on a decent bottle of wine that doesn’t have hang over written all over it, are not much higher. I’m not supposed to drink beer and Jenny hates it anyway, so that would bring us to zero percent on the beer. OK, let’s see…wait - wine coolers are wine’s cold and refreshing cousin! And they only cost like five or six bucks. Score!

Amazingly, I managed to talk my way into a fun-filled trip down the street to Fiesta Mart.

“Plus, it’s 9:45 on a Saturday night and we get to see a bunch of retards crowding the beer and wine aisle!” My argument continued during the car ride.

As it turns out, wine coolers sell for the incredibly low price of just $3.99 for a carton of four so we chose one carton of Orange Sunrise and one carton of Strawberry Daiquiri.

Back at home, we uncapped a couple and resumed watching the movie. Two and half bottles later, I didn’t feel anything but an overwhelming urge to drink a jar of pickle juice to cancel out the taste. Likewise, after finishing her first one, Jenny exclaimed, “I don’t feel anything. It’s too sweet. You can have mine.” I think what she meant to say was, We just blew eight bucks on Kool-aid with some type of fermentation added. But I knew there had to be a point at which my buzz would surpass the sickly sweet circus going on in my mouth.

That never happened. And I’ve now concluded that Bartles and James must have formed some alliance with the parents of teenagers in an effort to cut down on drunk driving and sex.

This is pretty much what I do all day. Is it still considered air guitar if you use a tennis racket?

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