Monday, October 25, 2004

Ten things to do while I'm in Georgia for a week.

1. Read this weeklong journal of a sanitation worker in training.

2. Play a game. Or two. Please do not report back with your high scores. Nobody cares. Games are supposed to be fun.

3. Imagine me in a dress.

4. Send me ecards.

5. Get some advice from the Non-Expert. Experts answer what they know, the Non-Expert answers anything.

6. Count to 867, 645,511. Twice.

7. Watch Stanley Kubrick's The Shining in 30 seconds and re-enacted by bunnies.

8. Have sex with my girlfriend. Just kidding. I'll kill you.

9. Make one of these last minute Halloween costumes with things you may already have. Or, take Max Burbank's Halloween costume quiz.

10. Look at these child-safety pictures printed on Czechoslovakian matchboxes.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Some things you don't know about me, but might interest you.

If left unchecked, I would eat Jack-in-the-Box tacos everyday. Possibly for both lunch and dinner.

I read the personals all day long. I love the personals. I am addicted to the personals. Everyone should define their whole exsistence with a few paragraphs of likes and dislikes and a photo or two.

I have spent my entire life, up until six months ago, pronouncing the word "pamphlet", pamp-let.

I have dual-ownership of my father's new puppy. He hasn't said this outright...it's just understood.
I bought him a cow hoof to chew on from the pet store. It's his new favorite toy which makes me feel sort of smug now since I chose it. The downside is that his breath smells like cow hoof and I am the
one he likes to lick in the face. Not so smug now, am I?

I actually went searching for the corrupt version of 'American Life' on Kazaa so that I could hear Madonna say, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I'm stealing music off the Inernet, that's what.

Tonight I will revisit my old highschool. My eight-year old niece is performing at half-time. There is only one thing worse than visiting my old highschool. Visiting my old junior highschool. Or my old elementary school. No, junior high is what really did me in.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

I'm a little relieved the surge of visitors has mostly subsided. I don't think I have a little witty anecdote inside of me for each day of the week. Eventually I would have slipped back into my usual practice of being obnoxious and self-absorbed etc. Oh, and let's not forget depressed and whiny. I sometimes like to talk about stupid things that only interest or make sense to me. Like for instance, the fact I'm possibly wearing a tiny vile (that bears an uncanny resemblance to a sample perfume bottle), containing a liquid that looks like ordinary tap water taped to my arm. Jenny gets annoyed when I talk this way.

"Don't SAY that. It's not going to work if you don't think POSITIVE!"

I like to take every opportunity I can to remind everyone how sweet and wonderful she is. She relayed a dream she had to me this morning while getting dressed. Its meaning seemed to elude her.

We were being pursued by some horrible monster and she was doing her best to protect me. Once she had defeated the monster, we were left all alone in the world. Then later I was in a department store trying on a shirt she thought made me look adorable.

This dream makes perfect sense to me since she is supporting and providing for me right now, since I can't. And aside from a few social gatherings now and then, we are two. She and I. Whatever we do and wherever we go. Just us two. But I am "adorable" in her eyes. Inside and out. She tells me this about a thousand times a day. Everyday. And this somehow makes it all worth it. For now.

I think right now she is the bag I am carrying that one day will be empty. Again with the bag of candy.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The photo journal is finally complete. I can only hope that everyone else's definition of a photo journal matches my own...A collection of photos with a brief description put in some type of order.

Since I rely soley on free or trial accounts for my photo storage needs, I am inevitably given some type of pesky restriction. And since I refuse to use dorky web sites with names like, Photo Shack or Photo Dump, PicRack, Photo Jerk, PixPond, or ImageWhiz, I end up sacrificing unlimited web space for a decent album that isn't riddled with ads or is homemade-looking.

So my photos are somewhat small and aren't even the same dimensions and maybe I shouldn't even bother. Anyway, here it is. Click on the first thumbnail and then hit next to advance to the next photo.


Jenny is making an illustration to enter into a Halloween contest. She asked me if she should sketch more kids trick-or-treating in the background. I suggested she draw one with a hole in his bag who has yet to notice and is now trailing candy down the sidewalk. Just like when I was a kid. Come to think of it, that sounds pretty much like my life story. Dragging the bag of life behind me with one giant hole in it, and having no idea. Until one day when I turn around and see that it is empty.

I guess I should lighten up a little. It's just Halloween after all. And I will be spending it in Georgia in my sister's apartment with my mom. Par-tee. I will probably do what I do every Halloween. Watch whatever scary movie is on and then go wandering through the dark streets trying to scare myself.

Everyone else will be doing what they usually do on the weekend. Drinking at some club or party with the only difference being they are dressed in something they would not ordinarily wear.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

I was actually the idiot driving down the freeway with my blinker on today. Which reminds me, does anyone else secretly wish they had a mini chalkboard in their car to scribble messages on and then flash at other drivers?

Like for instance, "Your blinker is on!" or "You shouldn't have cut me off. I'm now going to tailgate you for the next ten miles regardless of how out of the way it takes me." Or even, "What a loud car you have, with such a large tail pipe, which doesn't actually make your car go any faster than my Corolla."

Sometimes I wish I had a supply of water balloons or eggs to fling onto offending cars' windshields. Sometimes I wish I could just jam on my brakes and scare the living shit out of people who tailgate me in the slow lane. I wish I had the phone numbers of all the people I see driving SUV's while yapping on a cell phone. Come to think of it, the next time I see this I am going to honk my horn to get their attention and then point to their front tire in utter horror then cover my mouth as if stifling a gasp.

Adding to the recurring episodes at my parent's house and regarding my father... For the fourth consecutive time he has stopped what he is doing, wrinkled his forehead and stared questioningly towards the laundry room before asking: "What do you have in the washing machine? Has it ever made that noise before? I don't think it's ever made that noise before."

He is fearful that I will do something idiotic like stuff a king-sized comforter into his brand new washing machine along with five towels. I normally sit for a minute and think of what I have loaded it with before recalling it is only t-shirts and panties. And socks.

Eventually, I will have to quit using their home as a car wash, laundromat, restaurant/pantry and digital cable provider.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

We are home from Baltimore. Actually, our plane landed sometime after midnight Monday. Er...Tuesday, I guess. And we stopped by Dot coffee shop on the way home so that Jenny could observe (and draw) the crowd at that hour. I can't believe I agreed to go or even had the energy, but I soon had eggs, bacon and decaffeinated coffee in front of me. If you are lucky enough to have the URL to her website containing her daily comic, you can see us sitting there only half awake in our booth. I look stupid, as usual. I could be persuaded into posting it here if anybody wants.

Again, I am working on a photo journal which will be up this weekend. Maybe. It may just be photos with captions this time since no one seemed to appreciate the effort I put forth on the last one. I'm very lazy and need lots of praise.

I will say for now that I saw more in three days than I have in the passed two years.

Here is something to read while you are waiting.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

I'm beginning to see a pattern forming over at my parent's house.

Dad: (entering room) I'm going to Wal-mart.
Mom: Oh, I need this, this, this, that, this, and these. (turning to me) Go with your Dad.
Me: Someone should write that stuff down.
Mom: (makes a list including this, this, that, this, and these.)

At Wal-mart my dad and I work as a team starting at one end of the store. Referring to the list, we slowly make our way to the opposite end, checking off items as we go.

I typically slip a five or six dollar item into the mix. (OK, maybe nine or ten dollar.)

Dad: (standing at the check-out counter.) Eighty dollars! I should leave you at home next time!

This same scenario has repeated itself exactly three times now.


A school-boy with his arm in a sling, finds shelter from the down pour under a tree. He looks pathetic and helpless. He has begun picking the bark from a tree trunk to entertain himself.

A string of cars lined up at the stop light sees him, feels his pain, but knows offering him a ride is much, much worse than leaving him in the rain, under a tree, with a broken arm.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Did everyone catch the debate between Edwards and Cheney last night?

Here is an excellent article written by William Saletan on Slate.

"My favorite moment came when Cheney impugned Edwards' voting record. Edwards replied that Cheney had voted against Head Start, Meals on Wheels, the Department of Education, and the Martin Luther King holiday. It was such a devastating flurry of kidney punches, so blandly and shamelessly delivered, that my wife and I burst into sobs of weeping laughter. At the skill or the gall, I'm not sure which."


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

I apologize for not updating much lately. And for posting pictures of my arm. Who really wants to see my arm? It's a wimpy arm. Jenny says she could snap it like a twig. Except she doesn't have it in her to. She is the sweetest girl in the world. Unless you do something stupid, like touch her laptop. You probably shouldn't even look at it wrong. She bought this thing for it to sit on so that it won't become too hot on the bottom. Our children should be so lucky to one day have her purchase something especially to cool their bottoms.

We are leaving for Baltimore Saturday morning. I won't mention the ungodly hour. Since God didn't buy the tickets. (Neither did I)

I promise to take a little grittier photos this time. I won't mention any names (Jackie!), but some of you remarked how well the white-bread neighborhood I was meandering through was captured.

This trip will be different. I have spent the last two days researching the city's history which turns out to be quite interesting. And there are so many unique things to see, I am ashamed of my own city. Our claim to fame...The Wardrobe Malfunction.

We have new neighbors. There was
an incident.

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