Monday, January 24, 2005

:::.... Things I Did To Occupy Myself While Jenny Was Out Of Town At The Sundance Film Festival Without Me.

1. Bought half a dozen sci-fi paperbacks at Half Price Books. (Jackie!) It took me three hours to buy six books.

2. Downed a bottle of red wine like it was beer and got sick after going to bed. Woke up to fuchsia splotches EVERYWHERE. Towels, sheets, floor...oops.

3. After drinking the wine, but before getting sick, I played air guitar on my tennis racket while pretending to be the guitarist from Explosions in the Sky (song four) with my little computer speakers wailing at full volume. No, you don't understand. I was really in the band. I was performing to a packed house. And then I closed my eyes and fell over. Darn.

4. Purchased two TV dinners from Fiesta Mart. No one is here to bring home take-out.

5. Discussed the 'meaning of life' over some beer at my friends house. He thinks we are all just "here". While I don't agree with his logic, I do question the creation of all those species of beetles. What are they doing here? What purpose do they serve?

6. Ebay, flickr, ebay, flickr, ebay, flickr, blog.

Friday, January 21, 2005

:::.... Somebody, somewhere needs to publish a coffee table book of ebay photos. Until then, I will publish them for you here periodically.

ebay photo: 01

If you can't tell by her right arm...This is the Bionic Woman doll. She looks to be standing all on her own. Amazing.

I couldnÂ’'t resist adjusting the contrast a little on this one, but in the future I will try to leave the photos untouched. The horrible lighting and setting are part of the fun.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

:::.... In case anyone is sitting on the edge of their seat wondering, the neighbors aren't going anywhere. They managed to weasel their way out of an eviction notice. After spending much of the weekend with my ear to the floor and my eyes peeled for some sign they were heading out, I finally gave up all hope.

How does this happen anyway? An eviction notice would suggest that you are way beyond the point of just paying your rent, right? Wrong. We live in a quaint little 4-plex which means no one is on the property. No manager, no leasing agent, no maintenance man, no nothing. And whoever owns the property doesn't seem to give a crap what goes on around here as long as they're making the "long green", as my Dad puts it.

The amazing thing is how they were right back to their idiotic ways by Sunday, banging on the wall after Jenny lost her balance and rolled off her exercise ball creating a thud. I guess we disturbed the boyfriend's afternoon nap. I doubt he got much sleep the night before between his constant comings and goings until 4:00 am. My theory is that he's a small time drug dealer trying to make ends meet even though they both work nine to five jobs, while Jenny likes to think he is going to a press check or something. That's cute. She is forgetting that he did the same thing, coming and going at all hours, while working from home selling t-shirts on ebay. It was even more frequent then.

But this isn't over. Not by a long shot. We and the other tenants have banded together and yesterday the office received the first installment of phone calls complaining about the noise. Unleash a barrage of four-letter words the whole building can hear, that's a phone call. Beat on the wall like a madman if I accidentally drop the can opener, there's another.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

:: Eggs Anyone...?

Friday, January 14, 2005

The neighbors have been served an eviction notice.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Holy Crap that's a lot of money!

Hey guess what's missing.

Look closer.

That's right...Strawberry Shortcake herself. I bet she could pull in $500 alone or something. You know, I have Ms. Shortcake and Apple Dumplin' lying around naked in my parent's attic somewhere just waiting to make some cold hard cash. I could never do that though. One little sniff of their bulbous heads and the memories would come flooding back. On second thought...

Oh wait, here she is! Someone broke into the attic.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Tobacciana. Does everyone else know this is actually a word? Oh you do? Good for you. I think ebay made it up.

Hey guess what? The downstairs neighbors just got home with a new ELECTRIC GUITAR! And the boyfriend is playing it right now! And the girlfriend is trying to sing. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"

My girlfriend and I do lots of stuff together like write in a zine together, work on our website together, and we even have sex together. But no way are we going to start some two-man band together. One day I'm going to go down there and punch both their lights out.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

You know how I've mentioned our really loud and obnoxious neighbors? Well, last night I was looking for a blanket and I flipped on the light and Jenny started yelling, "Turn out the light, turn out the light, turn out the light!", like fifty times until I finally did. And guess what the really loud neighbors did?

They banged on the wall! Can you believe it?! The same neighbors who yell at each other, the dog, and the TV from the moment they arrive home until they crawl into bed at night, banged on the wall at us!

If we did that every time they had an outburst, our knuckles would be bloody.

On an unrelated note, is it really uncool to give someone something for their stocking and then eat most of it?

:: Good to the last crumb...

Monday, January 03, 2005

I walked to the bank today. It was kind of far. If you are from Houston you may read about it in some zine later this month.

I guess "I got my exercise for the day". I hate it when people say that. What that really means is, they got their exercise for the week or month. People who say that almost never exercise on a daily basis.

I have no room to talk, though. The most exercise I get sometimes is climbing into the beer cooler to take a self-portrait.

Just thinking of exercising makes me tired. I think I'm going to go lie down now.

Oh, a piece of advice. If you take your dog outside to do his business and he wanders into the street, you should squat down and call to him nicely so that he will get out of the street and not be scared that you are going to beat him to death if he comes to you. And maybe if cars begin to stack up you should even drop your cigarette on the driveway so after your dog is out of harm's way you could just pick it up and resume smoking it.

Or...you could stand on the curb and scream his name like some crazy person before grabbing him by the collar and dragging him across the lawn while still holding your cigarette like Brigitte Bardot or something. Especially if you are my downstairs neighbor.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

I dipped into my Christmas money and bought a stuffed deer. He was 'Deer' at first, then I started calling him 'Peter', but now I guess he's just 'Deer' again.

Here he is at Jamba Juice.

I hope he didn't mind we didn't buy him a drink there.

And here he is on New Year's Eve.

I made him a hat and put a tie on him. He had a really good time. I think.

As for us, we ended up being typical lesbians and stayed at home. We ordered pizza, watched The Graduate, drank wine, and played video games. The neighbors made a bunch of racket before leaving at 10:00. Apparently they had just enough time to get into an argument and make it back home by 11:45. They got back into their car 5 minutes after midnight. That's what I was doing around midnight...Staring out the bathroom window to see if there would be any hair pulling or bitch slapping.

I was awakened around 4 when they got into yet another fight. This time one of them jumped into their car and sped away. They would make good gay people.

Anyway....Happy New Year from el cheapo and Deer!

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