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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

:::.... Scratch the self-defense instruction for today. I've convinced Jenny to illustrate the black and white photos of that section in our Kung Fu book using wild, but upright standing, animals such as squirrels and bunnies or perhaps a deer. Can you belive we almost threw that book out? Threw it out! How stupid could we be?

Oh alright, I'll share a few anyway. Since you can't see the pictures I'll attempt to make it easier for you to understand with notes in parenthesis. Pay attention.

The Lapel Grab: Attacker grabs lapel....Grab attacker's hand (if he is using his right hand it will be your left hand.) Now,(using your other hand) begin to push up on his elbow (from below)....Pull his hand down while pushing his other elbow up, flipping the attacker to the floor. Hold attacker to the floor. If he tries to move, apply more pressure; his shoulder joint will be in excruciating pain. At this point, I'm sure he will agree to leave you alone. (If he doesn't, hope that he grabs your lapel in the same way so that you can repeat this exact same move again.) I tried this one on Jenny and she yelled "Ow!" but I'm sure I need more practice.

Here's another one. This one's for the ladies...

Double Writst Hold: With your attacker holding both wrists, raise your kicking leg and snap a front kick* to the groin. Retract kick and follow up with another front kick to the face.

*I believe a "snap kick" is when you lift your knee out in front of you and extend your foot outward very quickly instead of just thrusting your whole leg at someone in one motion. It has more impact and causes less injury to you.

Here's what to do if you find a gun pointed at your head.

Gun At Head: In a situation like this, you have no choice but to act. With blinding speed, shift your head away from the gun: at the same time, knock it up with your open hand and keep hold of the gun hand. Drive your knee into the attacker's groin and palm heel under his jaw.

This was the ONLY time we found in the entire book that it was acceptable for a man to strike another man's groin. (see the Lapel Grab) It is more acceptable to flip a man 180 degrees in the air before resorting to this.

Remember, el cheapo loves you and wants you to be safe all the time. Just don't grab my lapel ever.


Monday, March 28, 2005

:::.... During my usual research for answers as to why I'm slowly becoming allergic to everything I eat, I ran across some interesting content today about the digestive tract. One doctor explains...

Your body is black and white. It likes YOU and doesn't like anything that ISN'T YOU. Anything you consume must be transformed in the digestive tract into something "friendly" or else it will be considered foreign and attacked as such.

He went on to say that the digestive tract isn't considered the inside of you. More accurately, it is the outside of you.

So I guess your digestive tract is like a tunnel in a river. Although, the tunnel is in the river, whatever passes through the tunnel is not. So if a car passes through the tunnel, it won't end up floating around in the "river" that is your bloodstream.

Okay, so let's say your body is like a jealous boyfriend(or butch girlfriend). And let's say that for one reason or another, holes were to form in the delicate coating of your digestive walls allowing tiny particles of undigested food(other guys) to enter your bloodstream before made "friendly". Your jealous boyfriend sees this and issues a warning. Then it happens again. And again. So your jealous boyfriend goes and rounds up a few dozen of his friends to form a gang called The Antibodies, and they proceed to beat the living shit out of anything that comes around a few too many times. Since your boyfriend doesn't care to beat up on every single thing he sees, he and his pals The Antibodies only attack repeat offenders. Your boyfriend laughs and calls them The Allergies, and they're not allowed to use the tunnel anymore. Since your jealous boyfriend(or butch girlfriend) isn't going anywhere, you should try to fix the tunnel so The Allergies can use it again.

I'm thinking duct tape. Although, this doesn't explain why all that pollen outside is about to kill me. I usually don't season my food with it.



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Easter was nice. My one-year old niece bit my finger, we hid plastic eggs, and ate lamb. Oh, and somebody put Peeps in my Easter basket. Be sure to check back soon as I am offering instruction on self-defense! Figure out where your solar plexus is so you won't feel left out.


Monday, March 21, 2005

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Friday, March 18, 2005

:::.... You know I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lengthy waiting list to move into our apartment complex. It's small (four units total), nice yet affordable, close to museums, coffee shops, restaurants, and book stores, and located in a somewhat diverse neighborhood. You know what the best part is?

You don't have to pay your rent until you damn well feel like it! You see, somewhere on the lease it mentions paying on the 1st of each month, but trust me, this is merely a suggestion. Around the 4th, you'll receive a letter stating you owe the office twenty five bucks, but who cares? You still don't have to pay yet. Near the middle of the month, you will receive another reminder to pay your rent in the form of an eviction notice. Despite having a key to the main entrance, they will tape it right to the main door for everyone to see, which will hopefully embarrass you into paying your rent. At this point, you may actually want to scrape up some money. No rush though, you still have three more days! And as our neighbors have so kindly demonstrated, you can pull this shit twice and still have a roof over your head!

I like mailing the rent. We don't have to deal with the boring pleasantries that is so common with leasing agents, with all their "How are you? Everything alright? Do you need anything? Have a great day!" nonsense. Nope. The only person we ever see is this very nice Hispanic man who shows up every other month to replace our $15 air filter with a $1.50 one.

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There are some new 1" button pin sets up at monkey do. Why don't you go buy one instead of hanging around here all the time? The Easter Bunny would want you to. He is watching, you know. If you don't believe me than explain to me why you keep getting marshmallow peeps in your Easter basket? Do you know what's in those? Go here and you still won't know, but here are some interesting Peep facts.

1. In 1953, it took 27 hours to create one Marshmallow Peep. Today, it takes six minutes. (Oddly, every Peep inspector at that time went mysteriously missing.)

2. People like to do curious things with Peeps - eat them stale, microwave them, freeze them, roast them, and use them as a pizza topping. (There is NO WAY anyone would eat a stale Peep!.)

3. Last Easter, Just Born estimated that more than 700 million Marshmallow Peeps and Bunnies were consumed by men, women, and children throughout the United States and abroad. (There is no known record of a dog eating a Peep or Bunny to this date.)

4. It would take approximately 8,000 vertical Peeps to equal the height of the tallest building in North America, Sears Tower in Chicago. (It would take approximately 8,000 people holding me down to make me eat a Peep.)


UPDATE: My curiosity has peeked and the "secret" ingredients, more than I could bare. I have sent out for a box(15 for .99!) and will now share the ingredients with you.

Marshmallow Peeps do not actually contain any marshmallow. And furthermore, nor do any of the store bought packages of marshmallows contain any of the actual marshmallow root.

The ingredients of Peeps is not unlike other confectionery treats you have eaten. The usual sugar, corn syrup, and food dye is present, but with the addition of carnauba wax. That's where the yummmy, gummy, gobbiness comes from. And just for the record, they are just as gross as they were when I was a kid. They taste like new car smell.


Monday, March 14, 2005

* Snoopy is a little maniacal at times, as seen in The Amazing Snoopy.

* This game is strange and annoyingly hard. Play it now!

* El Cheapo loves elgoog!


Saturday, March 12, 2005

:::.... Michael Jackson = entertainer. Entertainer = liberal. One idiotic liberal = all liberals.

Thank you Michael Jackson for showing up for court in your pajama bottoms and slippers. You stupid freak. We might as well all walk around in our pajama bottoms now.

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I was almost the victim of road rage today. It happened at an unfamiliar intersection that I was spit into after taking a detour. The traffic light was blinking which immediately annoyed me since there is always one idiot who perceives the advancement of the car in front of him as a green light and takes off too. Trouble is, you're never quite sure what idiot is going to pull this until they almost ram your car.

Today, it happened in the lane closest to me and I immediately, hit my brakes, flung my arms over my head and gave them the "What the fuck are you doing? It's not your turn!" look. They returned the gesture and added their own, which I also returned. We weren't exactly waving to one another. A short way down the street their car appeared with a person hanging out each window motioning me to stop and bring it on or something. I hit my brakes and they zoomed passed and as they tried to circle back around, in the middle of the street, I gunned my motor and shot down the street. I was fucking scared out of my skull. I made a few quick turns and lost them, but my hands were shaking so bad I could barely turn the wheel. Back at home I convinced myself I wasn't in any danger of being shot since thugs handle drive-bys a lot cooler. Like for instance, not hanging the entire top half of their body out of car windows while yelling obscenities. I'm figuring they just lean the seat back and pop you or something.

On a much lighter, but equally annoying note, the little plaid cart has gone missing. That's what I get for presuming it would just be there in the car when we needed it next. This, despite having changed positions from the trunk, to the back seat, to possibly Jenny's car. We figure one of the dudes at the body shop helped himself to it. It was a compact yet sturdy little guy. We will have to join the other ignorant fools at the book sale, sliding their heaps of books across the floor. If I'm lucky, Jenny will have kicked her cold and will agree to a little morning cart hunt.


Wednesday, March 09, 2005

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:::.... Oh man, I have the funniest story about my nephew ever.

He's had a stuffed cow that plays a lullaby when you squeeze its tummy since he was born and he loves it more than anything. Once his little sister came along, her show of affection towards the cow was met with bitterness. Soon she was given her own, newer version of the cow,but my nephew didn't mind. It made him love his cow even more. In fact, he is so attached to it, that my brother and his wife have resorted to sneaking the cow away from him to clean it.

Yesterday, my sister-in-law stealthily deposited the cow into the washing machine which in turn, robbed it of its stuffing almost entirely. All that was left was a plump head and limp body. There was no question as to if my nephew had spotted the droopy animal as indicated by "My cow! My cow!", screamed at a feverish pitch along with a pointed little finger. What had she done!

Once my sister-in-law realized the magnitude of the situation, she hurriedly loaded up both children and headed toward the nearest craft store. The anorexic cow needed some serious stuffing! By the time they arrived at Hobby Lobby, the distraught two-year old had stripped his body of all clothing and somewhere there is a tiny little shoe that has felt his wrath and will never be seen again.


:::....
me: Man, I don't feel good again.
body: You've been eating too many potatoes.
me: What? Potatoes? No I haven't.
body: Yes, you have.
me: Maybe some french fries here and there.
body: Try tator tots, fries, mashed potatoes, shoestring potatoes, and chips.
me: Oh. Hmmm...

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Staple was a little smaller than I expected, but still worth the drive. We swapped a few of Jenny's comic books and gave out some pins. Jenny drew a comic about how I nearly ripped my collar off trying to give this one to a cute girl. It's the spitting image of me.

The hotel stay was fun too since we haven't done it in a while. I love the idea of having five lamps in one room. And an enormous bed that I don't have to make. Oh, and a coffee pot on the vanity just outside the bathroom. That's where the coffee pot should always be.

Guess what Sunday is?! The library sale! We have no room for more books, but we will pile books upon books into our little plaid cart and drop them off in the holding zone so that we can fill it again and again. We usually shoot for a three bag maximum. We'll see!


Monday, March 07, 2005

:::.... If you didn't know this already, the Internet is one gigantic pie. And there are people who are intent on getting a slice of it.

Look at the man to the right. That could be you, my friend.

The world is your oyster!

The sky is the limit! (Albeit, a red hue.)

Just look at the numbers.

diamond jewelry returns 850,000 results
diamond jewlery returns 20,400 results
buy flowers returns 2,530,000 results
buy flowrs returns 238 results
golf accessories returns 1,250,000 results
golf acessories returns 4,092 results

Now take what is yours!


Friday, March 04, 2005

:::.... We're going out of town for the weekend. If anyone wants to meet us there, just look for the girl wearing a little 1" button pin of her cartoon self.

Oh, and wish me a happy birthday!


Wednesday, March 02, 2005

:::.... I'm going to visit my parents today. My cousin will be there so I made up a little bag of "inspirational" goodies for him. He's one of those artist types that needs to be surrounded by other creative people to really get their juices flowing. I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have Jenny around all the time. Last night we sat at our tiny little work areas opposite one another and cut, folded, glued, and passed the metal t-square back and fourth. We really should get a second one.

In my cousin's bag I included a five set of 1" buttons, a little scratch pad with Uncle Sam on the front (new item coming to Monkey Do Collective soon!), a 1/4" zine, and a copy of my Explosions in the Sky CD and whatever else I decide to stuff in there before I leave. I hope he likes it. He gets depressed a lot and takes medication. I don't quite understand depression. Is it when someone feels too much, or when someone just feels nothing...


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