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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

:::.... Back online! But too busy to mess around on the Internet all day. We're going out of town this weekend to peddle our wares at a little craft show in Seattle. We arrive on Friday and leave on Monday but the show isn't until Sunday, which means I won't enjoy myself in the slightest until everything is set up on the table looking exactly as I've imagined, or when we are kicking ourselves for not bringing enough stuff. I reckon it's more fun to sell out of everything, than be sitting there at the end of the day with a table full of things no one wanted.

Jenny's stuff is the "meat and potatoes" of our inventory, with my stuff serving as impulse items people add on to their purchase to make it an even twenty or thirty. I sound like I've been to one of these things before. I don't mind riding her coat tails. I doubt anyone would reach into their pocket book upon seeing my little pathetic bingo notepads.

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Some Other Things About Me Since You're Here...

My hair has stopped growing again. Every once in a while it just simply refuses to grow. This would be OK if my hair was at a point where it looked really good, but it's not. I butchered it one night and it's looked stupid ever since.

Also, I've become really clumsy lately. Think check-your-watch-while-holding-a-steaming-up-of-coffee-in-that-hand, kind of clumsy. Earlier I tried sitting my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet and it rolled off the shelf and behind the toilet, twice.


Tuesday, May 24, 2005

:::.... No, I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth. But I do feel like I'm in the twilight zone. We're finally in our new place, but with no working phone line (No Internet) and up until about 3 hours ago, no hot water. Doesn't feel like much of a "luxury apartment" right now.

Yesterday I spent the day dragging furniture from one end of the room, to the other. I made my own little "sliders" out of pieces of cardboard that I then taped to the feet of the bed, the sofa, etc. I'm no longer able to just lug things across a very forgiving thick carpet. Our previous apartment had wood floors, but since it was technically Jenny's apartment I didn't feel right rearranging anything. Plus, I couldn't argue with someone who had a queen-sized bed shoved into a corner. I was never quite sure if she was more scared of monsters, or falling out of bed, but since I slept on the outside Jenny spent most of the night climbing over me to get to the bathroom. We both pee a lot. I can't decide who more than the other. On some occasions when especially tired, she would just roll over me. She was never too tired to exclaim, "Steam roll!" as she did so, however.

And just when I thought the moving was over, my Dad and I took what was left of my belongings out of storage and loaded it into the bed of his truck. The plan was to just pile it in and sort through it all at their house. But as I looked at pieces of my past falling out of this box or that bag, my only thoughts of these things that once mattered, were "Jesus...that's one more fucking book that has to fit somewhere in the new place. And when did I buy these fancy Christmas stockings?" As we became more tired, the piles became more small until we finally closed the tailgate and drove away.

Goodbye Public Storage. Oh and fuck you for flooding my storage space. Twice.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005

:::.... It has been ten days since we said goodbye to our old apartment. It seems every time an inspector goes out to the new apartment building, some little thing doesn't pass which delays progress on everything else a day or two. If either one of us had any balls, we would tell the new landlord that he need not calculate the remaining rent for this month. He won't see a cent. But alas, we have no balls.

On the brightside, I've practically planned out where everything in the new apartment is going, in my head and on paper. The bathroom is finished...down to the last detail. And after hours of searching online, I think I've found a stylish, yet very affordable, duvet cover. Unlike this one, which I would prefer in shades of gray. Allow me to do the math for you. To dress up your bed in a similar fashion will cost you $2255. Thanks, but no thanks Jado Collection. Even Calvin Klein is way more affordable...Their prices not rivaling that of a 1983 Ford Crown Victoria.

Tonight will be the first that I will not have downed a couple of beers to fall asleep in this big dark house with a thousand windows and doors. I would be thankful the dog is here to keep me company but....A) He is the reason I'm even here. And B) He is the one who barks violently at 4AM at nothing, scaring me to tears.

Today was nice. I shopped the little strip of antique/resale stores in the middle of town. I found an excellent book on animals entitled Hammond's Nature Atlas of America for a buck. I bought it with the intent of using it's yellowing pages to make envelopes with, but after reading a few of the animal descriptions, I'm very torn. Here are a few impressive animal facts for your reading enjoyment.

The Common Skunk -- The Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde of the American animal scene is a gentle and intelligent beast, dignified, fearless and easily tamed. On the other hand it wreaks havoc with its chemical weapon and has only to raise ominously its big bushy tail to turn to flight much larger creatures. If there is a show of resistance, two little tubes of scent will eject a well aimed double squirt of a malodorous fluid, hitting goals as far as twelve feet away. (If only we humans could learn to aim our bodily odors in a similar manner.)

American Cockroach -- The kitchen light turns on, and speedily these brown scavengers flit to their crannies. They feed on any garbage they can obtain, and destroy much larger quantities of stored food by tainting it with their fetid odor or dead bodies. They damage rugs and clothes and even books. This same insect, filthy in our eyes, probably spends more time cleaning itself than a kitten does. Its legs possess spines that are used as combs, stroking every part of the body over and over again to remove the dirt, and the leg combs are cleaned in the mouth. The antennae are also scrubbed there. (Very impressive, cockroach. However, I will still squash you like a pancake whenever you cross my path.)

The Grizzly Bear -- How can a traveler in the woods distinguish between a black bear and a grizzly? The lumberjacks recommend to irritate the beast and climb a tree. If the animal settles down for a wait at the trunk, it's a grizzly. If it climbs the tree with squirrel-like swiftness, it's a black bear. (What an important rule of thumb for hiking through the woods!) It will carry a 200 pound deer under its arm, but will not attack man unless it is cornered. (A second important rule of thumb while hiking through the woods!)

Number of Sausages on a Stick Consumed: 3


Friday, May 13, 2005

:::....For those of you wondering, we are still homeless. Although I have migrated over to my parent's house for a few days to babysit their dog, Lance. Perfect name for a Yorkie, yes?

Today I went to Walmart to buy Xacto blades which proved to be quite difficult since no one in the store, including the manager on duty, actually knew what an Xacto knife was.

Manger on duty: What is it?
Me: An Xacto knife. It's like a utility knife.
MOD: Oh. Did you check hardware?
Me: Yes, and crafts, and the school supply section as well. I've bought them here before, but I can't remember where.
MOD: Let me call hardware. What is it called....A zacto knife?

Hardware responds to the page.

MOD: (speaking into phone) In the toy deparment? (turning to me) He says they're in the toy department?
Me: The toy department? What the fu--Oh wait, that's right. They're with the model kits and paints and things. Can you walk me to the model car kits? I'm sorta in a hurry.

This woman is clearly even more confused as she walks me to the toy department and watches me pull the blades from the metal hook.

"Yep, this is them", I say trying to show her. I stood holding them out for her as she walked away. She will be very prepared the next time someone asks for Zacto blades.

On the way out of Walmart I passed the food counter which smelled really good, so I stopped by and guess what? They had sausage on a stick! And potato wedges. All for just $1.45. You can not fill your belly for cheaper than that, my friend.

Later I watched Titanic, again, and cried at the beginning and the end. What is it with this stupid sappy movie? God. I only watched it because I couldn't figure out how to turn the satellite dish on. My dad turns it off to save energy. This is not possible. He also manually closes the garage door even though it is automatic. When we were kids, instead of starting the car engine in the garage, he would open the driver door and with his one leg, push the car out of the garage. He would then quickly close the door so it would not get jerked off on the way out. He has lots of other energy-saving techniques. I will have Jenny illustrate them one day. So anyway, my parents only had the one movie. On VHS even though we bought them a DVD player.

That's all for now. Oh, I lost all of my bookmarks several weeks back so if you would like to share your blog with me or any of the other readers, leave the address in the comment box with possibly a comment. There is only room for five. Elizabeth and Max, you're good.

End.


Monday, May 09, 2005

:::.... For someone who doesn't even have a job, my life is pretty hectic right now. We've moved out of one apartment and our stuff is sitting in another, but we are currently residing at the Extended StayAmerica.

This is all wrong. I'm supposed to be in our new apartment deciding where to put my Le Corbusier Chaise Lounge and cursing Jenny for having too much shit. Not leaning out the door trying to flag down housekeeping for a roll of toilet paper and some creamer. And in the next few days I have 3 different people asking me to babysit 1 dog, 1 house, 2 children, and 1 cat. Guess which of these is actually potting trained.

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Tip of the Day:

When standing in a closed elevator, make sure to push your floor number instead of standing there daydreaming so when they open again, you won't step out and see that you are still in the lobby. And if this ever does happen, try to play it off as if you forgot something important in your hotel room and casually step back on. Don't look around confused and then blurt out, "Hey, I didn't go anywhere!" and leap back in.


Wednesday, May 04, 2005

* Man, I'm just too tired to write anything right now. Here, do this for a while.


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